Waiting on the Lord
Fiona Keller • July 3, 2020
Letting go and letting God...
Hello my friend. I’m glad for your presence here with me right now. I am writing this from the trenches, metaphorically speaking that is. So I’m not even going to pretend to have answers or to know how this is going to turn out. In many senses, writing this may be better done from hindsight. But then, “the trenches” are the reality of right now, this present moment. I don’t know what your life has been like over recent years, but our life has been a tumultuous boat ride on an ever choppy sea. I have found myself waiting for the storm to disperse and the sun to come out. To sail along quietly and come into harbour for refreshment. It hasn’t happened. Though there have been bursts of sunlight and blessings along the voyage. I have wrestled with what if the storm clouds never actually go away? What if one blows in right after another and how do I find peace in the middle of that?
Through this journey, I have become more convinced that the peace I crave is a man named Peace, a man named Jesus. A man, who will walk on water and get in my boat with me. Who may not quiet my storm right away, but will bring a steadfastness to my soul during the storm and who does have the power to silence the winds and waves, if He chooses. I have wrestled with letting Him allow the storms to continue and learning that He does bring beauty from ashes. I have struggled with the idea that the sun may come out briefly between downpours, but the next downpour remains on the horizon. I have battled with myself over the fact that my biggest God encounter moments, the light-bulbs, the deepest connection and communion have been in the thickest, foggiest, most turbulent parts of the voyage. Because, who am I kidding? This realisation doesn’t exactly thrill me. If, for one moment, reading this, you think I’ve made it to some end point and have come to a point of acceptance, peace and unwavering faith as a result of this journey, you’d be wrong. I may have started learning these lessons, but I’m equally convinced that they are lifelong lessons. Ones that are not learned over night. Ones that my flesh will continue to buck against.
I think that the difference between then and now, is that perhaps, I buck a little less, perhaps I reach a point of acceptance a little sooner. Perhaps I am a little more willing to trust in the One who sees what I cannot and in whose love I remain confident. And because He is glorious and loving, He has proven Himself to me when He surely doesn’t have to, but time and again He shows me that He can be trusted and that His love is vast. I still feel all the feelings. I still face the fear or try to bury my head in the sand. My anxious heart still jumps to the ‘what ifs,’ I still bubble with anger and frustration when there doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of a tunnel - one which I feel I’ve been in for an eternity no less. Fortunately, God, in His graciousness, meets us there. He doesn’t ask perfection from us, He asks us to come to Him. And to be honest, I’m not always good at that. I still try to ‘fix’ things first. Eventually I usually realise the follies of my way and then go before Him. I wish I could say it was always with humility and repentance, but it’s not, sometimes it’s more with resignation and defeat. Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.
We don’t always realise it, but over time, He has been refining us. The feelings are more easily settled. The angst recedes faster. The fear put back in its place a bit quicker. The anger abates and acceptance prevails. I think that with an awareness that God can work in this way, sometimes it makes the struggles more palatable. Still unpleasant - I have not yet reached that place where I can embrace the challenges with joy, knowing they’ll bring me closer to God - but somehow a bit more tolerable. It’s great news that God doesn’t leave us in the same mucky place for our entire lives. He molds us. Like the great potter that He is. But He takes His time, knowing, in His wisdom, that the beauty of our lives is best restored gradually, it’s less painful that way, we resist less and we learn more.
Sometimes it feels like I have to preach this to my own heart. To remind it of what it knows to be true and to hold onto that. To be patient with the process and to be prepared to wait on the Lord. To wait on the Lord and to let go and let God in the process. In the last few months I think God has been speaking these things to my heart. It started a few months ago with the birth of our daughter. A time that was the joyous arrival of our little girl, but also filled with unexpected challenges. In the midst of post-delivery complications, (after my husband had gone home no less,) all my other kids back at home went down with the flu. There was nothing much I could do. Here I was, in hospital with my baby, recovering from an ordeal I’d have rather not had and at home, my husband was holding down the fort as 4 kids dropped like flies one after the other. I watched from afar, alone in my hospital room - no visitors when they are all sick - as he looked after them and cleaned and sanitized. I watched as he stepped up, in a way I couldn’t have imagined he would. As family members came to aid and again all I could do was watch. The control-mad woman that I am, was forced into an uncomfortable situation of having to let go and to let God. That’s all I could do. I could let God step in the gap.
There’s a funny thing that happens when we actually give God space to show up. I’ve found, through experience, that He does. He comes. He often uses His people to do His work. What a privilege in allowing us to be part of that blessing upon someone else. To be allowed to be part of an answered prayer for someone. Let go and let God. Oh it can be so hard. But so so beautiful. So wonderful to see that in the midst of the trial He is there working. As I returned home with our newborn and entered a period of quarantine with the baby, I continued to have to let go. I couldn’t do what my instincts told me to do in order to care for my other children. I had to let my husband carry the burden on this and to let God. To let Him show up in the ways He knew we needed. In the way He knew my husband needed. What really were quite awful and stressful circumstances turned into a beautiful arrival of God. His people came and served. He equipped and strengthened. And I sat and watched. I watched what happens when I back off and surrender control. I found a God who came and cleaned the floors and held my children and watched over them. A God who brought me rest and peace. Inexplicable rest and peace in the midst of a storm.
As I think back to this experience, which in my memory has a cloud of peace just hovering over it, I have been comforted and bolstered through other storms that have blown in since then. Other storms that God has shown up in, answering specific prayers, often prayed by others on my behalf. So, in this most recent storm that has transcended our lives and the lives of many others, I let go and let God. Not always easily, as in my humanity I still struggle, still fear and still doubt, but I try. A little while back, just after my husband lost his job, I felt the Lord prompt me with a verse that talked about waiting on Him. So, as hard as it is I am now waiting on the Lord. I’m not even sure what I’m waiting for. So still I wait. I am waiting on the Lord to move. To act. To provide. I don’t know what those things will look like, but I know He will not leave us or forsake us. I know the journey may not be quick or easy, though I still hope it is. I am reminded to focus on the here and now. To let go and let God deal with the future. The waiting isn’t easy. The letting go isn’t easy. It goes so much against my desire for plans and control. But this isn’t God’s way. These are not meant to be burdens that I carry. A life that I have planned to the T, is not a life in submission to God’s will or direction. And I’d rather be where He wants me to be, doing what He asks me to do, (never demands, I hasten to add,) because there I find peace, there I find security, there I grow and commune with the Lord, even in the midst of the greatest of unknowns.
Father, I thank You for these man-made shells, which become our homes as they fill with noise and laughter, silence and tears, memories and hopes. I thank You for their protection, for the safety found within. I thank You for the life that grows surrounded by these walls; a place we make our own. Amen
When complaints often come easier than thanksgiving - I thank you Father for these dishes, which signify food and drink aplenty. I thank You for each mouth that partook of meals together. Amen
Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance. Jude 1:2 Most gracious and loving Heavenly Father, I thank You for You have sustained me through this school year. I thank You for Your provision of strength and energy even on the hardest of days. I thank You for walking with me on the mountain tops: the moments of joy, the times of bonding and fellowship, the times when the learning and the teaching came easily. I thank You for journeying with me through the valleys. On the days I wanted to give up. During times of frustration and grumblings. On the days when learning was hard and teaching even harder. I thank You that I never left the shadow of Your wings and that You have seen me, valued me and noticed me as I have sought to lead and serve my family in this way. Lord, we are nearing the end of this season and oftentimes feel the increasing need for rest, for reprieve and refueling. Some days Lord, it feels like summer will never come. And yet some days time flies and I become aware again of the limited time I have with these dear ones whom I am not only tasked with teaching, but also with parenting and loving. Father, it is my desire to finish well. That we will not succumb to wishing away the time together, nor give in to half-hearted efforts put forth. Help us to find balance between being present in the here and now and thinking ahead to plans for the summer and next school year May You continue to be the source of my daily strength and joy. Remind me of my calling to teach during this season and equip me each day to face challenges with grace, love, humor and humility. Renew my spirit and uplift me as I seek to lead these children towards You, keeping my mind focused and my heart seeking You above all else. In Jesus' name Amen