The Answer Of Silence
Fiona Keller • July 10, 2020
When God remains silent
Welcome! May I give you a hug? Shall we sit and talk awhile? Oh friend, let me hold your hand, let me look into your eyes and promise you, that in all things, we are never alone. Even when we feel that our voice cries out and all that comes back is the echo of our own breath. We are never alone.
A few years ago, our family went through an unexpected challenge. I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under my feet and I was left spinning. Trying to find which way was up. The trajectory that we were on was suddenly changed. No warning. Just being propelled onto another course. There was so much hurt and heartache. So much disappointment, so much confusion and anger. So much unknown. I remember crying before the Lord and asking Him to provide, to fix, to restore. I remember pleading with Him to answer me. To let me know He was there. He gave me two words, “Trust me.” I had no idea that for the next 5 months, that would be it. That there would be no more answers, no matter how much I came to Him. God remained silent. I knew I wasn’t the first to wander this path, but oh how alone I felt. I struggled thinking maybe I was just missing it. Maybe I was looking in the wrong places. Maybe I wasn’t listening. God where are you? My heart wanted Him and yet it seemed that He could not be found. I felt so alone. “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” “ My God, why have you turned your face from me?” Why did you go? Where did you go? Why are you ignoring me? What did I do wrong? Do you still care? You love me, right?
Times of silence. Questions, doubts, hurt, fear.
“Trust me.”
How long Oh God? How long do I wait? How long do I have to trust? What am I trusting you to do? Why don’t you speak?
Yet the answers to the questions didn’t come. Not for a time anyway. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It allows us to see the bigger picture that we couldn’t appreciate at the time. A chance to see things at work that we couldn’t notice because our focus was so tuned in to our immediate, to our bubble. I’m not saying that always happens because sometimes we do look back and the purpose and big picture still evade us, but I am grateful for the times when God does let us see, maybe even understand something of His plans and His presence - continued presence.
But navigating through the storms of silence - that is hard. I am not God, so I cannot give you the reasons for these times of stillness, the whys and wherefores of God’s decision making is above my pay grade. But I can tell you what I learned. I learned that I was tested. My faith was put to the test. Would the theoretical translate to the practical? Would I persevere? (James 1:2-4.) Did the words that I professed have meaning and substance or were they empty and devoid of truth? What I knew about God’s character was put to the test. Did I hunger enough for God that I would keep pursuing Him? Would my faith weather a time when I received an instruction and that was it? Could my head hold my heart steadfast in the knowledge it had about God’s goodness, about His faithfulness, all while my heart was hurting? When my heart wanted to be heard? And when my heart wanted answers? Would I stay the course and live in obedience to the instruction or would I try to take matters back into my own hands and resolve things ‘my way?’ I was sorely tempted a few times.
I also learned that the events going on in my life are not always just about me. Yes, I am learning and God is teaching. God can teach us through all circumstances no matter how bitter or how sweet they may be. Are we prepared to learn? Are we prepared to venture into the unknown and trust that He knows where we’re going and how we’re going to get there? Even when the pilot stops talking? Sometimes God’s simple instructions, God’s timings, God’s need for us to wait, to have patience, to trust Him are also because He is working something else out in someone else. Maybe He just doesn’t need us to know all the details. Can we have grace enough for that? Little did I know, that a year later, this lesson would continue again. Not backtrack and repeat but continue along the path it had started on.
I learned to hang on tight when the end isn’t in sight. Oh, it is so so hard. That wondering when you’ll hear His voice again...if you’ll hear it again. But I know He doesn’t leave us in silence forever. Let’s be honest, He never left in the first place, He was just quiet. He still heard me, He still listened, He still cared, He still watched and He waited. He waited until the time was right for His next move. I can’t tell you what that will look like for you or when that will be. But I can tell you that it will come. I can also tell you that the blessings He pours out upon us are abundant. (James 1:12) He sees our efforts to hold to the faith, to trust and to wait. Even when that might look a bit messy. It’s a bit like the paintings my preschooler gives to me. These endevours of craftsmanship, patience and love - presented to me as a gift, in all their drippy, sloppy, colourful glory. And like the loving Father that He is, God takes these messy offerings of ours and accepts them with love, hands wide open and says ‘well done my good and faithful servant.’ (Matt 24:13, 25:23) Maybe, just maybe, we can run the race marked out for us (Heb 12:1-2,) remembering what we’ve learned, so that the next time we are called to step out in faith we find it just a little bit easier and we can accept a little more readily, the next time God chooses to answer through silence.
Father, I thank You for these man-made shells, which become our homes as they fill with noise and laughter, silence and tears, memories and hopes. I thank You for their protection, for the safety found within. I thank You for the life that grows surrounded by these walls; a place we make our own. Amen
When complaints often come easier than thanksgiving - I thank you Father for these dishes, which signify food and drink aplenty. I thank You for each mouth that partook of meals together. Amen
Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance. Jude 1:2 Most gracious and loving Heavenly Father, I thank You for You have sustained me through this school year. I thank You for Your provision of strength and energy even on the hardest of days. I thank You for walking with me on the mountain tops: the moments of joy, the times of bonding and fellowship, the times when the learning and the teaching came easily. I thank You for journeying with me through the valleys. On the days I wanted to give up. During times of frustration and grumblings. On the days when learning was hard and teaching even harder. I thank You that I never left the shadow of Your wings and that You have seen me, valued me and noticed me as I have sought to lead and serve my family in this way. Lord, we are nearing the end of this season and oftentimes feel the increasing need for rest, for reprieve and refueling. Some days Lord, it feels like summer will never come. And yet some days time flies and I become aware again of the limited time I have with these dear ones whom I am not only tasked with teaching, but also with parenting and loving. Father, it is my desire to finish well. That we will not succumb to wishing away the time together, nor give in to half-hearted efforts put forth. Help us to find balance between being present in the here and now and thinking ahead to plans for the summer and next school year May You continue to be the source of my daily strength and joy. Remind me of my calling to teach during this season and equip me each day to face challenges with grace, love, humor and humility. Renew my spirit and uplift me as I seek to lead these children towards You, keeping my mind focused and my heart seeking You above all else. In Jesus' name Amen