Self-sacrifice?
Fiona Keller • June 17, 2020
Laying myself down is different from giving up on myself.
Hello friend, thanks for stopping by. Care to join me for a quick visit? I’ll put the kettle on. You know I’ve been thinking about something a lot lately. I wonder what you think? This is definitely a season of global change. A time when families are being brought back together for some seriously intensive family connection. And let’s not kid ourselves, this comes with some challenges as well as some benefits. Every family has its ups and downs but these are magnified by about a hundred when you don’t have much time apart. Parents are juggling work and schooling and entertaining the kids as well as dealing with their own stressors and fears and emotions.
As I sat at the table with one of my kids, trying to engage them in the schoolwork they were supposed to be doing and battling their disinterest and my own feelings of rising frustration, (not only at the lack of cooperation but also at the large list that I had of my own things to do to keep family life running - the list that I wasn’t even making a dent in.) I started to think about how much more of myself I’ve been having to give recently. How much more thinly stretched I have felt with the round the clock demands of everyone wanting a piece of me, needing something from me and ne’er a quiet moment in sight.
I’ve always been an advocate of the theory that a rested, balanced mum, who gets a bit of time for refreshment, makes a better wife, a better mother, a better person. The reality is often far from the dream when life gets in the way. Now I know a lot of women do a stellar job at getting time to themselves and if that's you, I take my hat off to you for figuring that out. I’m not that girl. I’ve often dropped my arrangements in order to accommodate others. However, there comes a time when renewal is needed for the well-being of everyone. Right now, that renewal is much harder to come by. Or at least it may have to look different than my usual go-to top up strategies. But in my heart, I know I have to find a way to make this happen. To bring back some balance to our lives and some times of refreshment for myself and my husband and our marriage.
There's no doubt that at this moment in time, more is required of me as I take on the task of teaching my kids at home. There are many things in my own agenda that will have to be put on hold or cut back as I free up time to help with their studies. There is more organising, more juggling (different grade levels and different needs,) more dredging the recesses of my mind as I try to remember how to do 7th grade mathematics. There is more exhaustion as I do these things and still try to wash the clothes and cook the meals and pick up the Legos on the stairs for the 20th time this week. Yes, I am giving more of myself. But at some point I have to become aware that this laying down of myself, this sacrifice, is not the same as giving up on myself. It is not me saying it's ok for these things to come at the expense of quiet time or reading a book, or rest. Things that rejuvenate me. Things that enable me to be the best version of myself that I can. The better mother as opposed to the worn out, haggard tyrant that periodically has been visiting my household in these past few weeks. The better wife, who loves her husband well, rather than complains at all the things he hasn't done. The better daughter, sister, niece and friend who checks in with others to make sure their needs are being met. The better woman, who is grounded by the One who brings stability. Who gives energy. Who gives wisdom. He, who gives direction and sees the bigger needs of each member of this family, things that my eyes just wouldn’t see.
Giving up on myself, no longer gives room in my life for relationship, above all with the God who sustains us. And right now, in the midst of these extra demands and the upending of everything that we’ve known to be normal in our lives, I both want and need the active presence of this loving Father involved in my life. Without Him, without time to spend with Him and to enjoy things that recharge me- that He created me to enjoy, whether that’s a bubble bath or a walk in the garden - I start to become a shell of who He intended me to be. My human frailties are even more exposed, as I carry burdens on my shoulders that I wasn’t meant to carry.
Father, I thank You for these man-made shells, which become our homes as they fill with noise and laughter, silence and tears, memories and hopes. I thank You for their protection, for the safety found within. I thank You for the life that grows surrounded by these walls; a place we make our own. Amen
When complaints often come easier than thanksgiving - I thank you Father for these dishes, which signify food and drink aplenty. I thank You for each mouth that partook of meals together. Amen
Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance. Jude 1:2 Most gracious and loving Heavenly Father, I thank You for You have sustained me through this school year. I thank You for Your provision of strength and energy even on the hardest of days. I thank You for walking with me on the mountain tops: the moments of joy, the times of bonding and fellowship, the times when the learning and the teaching came easily. I thank You for journeying with me through the valleys. On the days I wanted to give up. During times of frustration and grumblings. On the days when learning was hard and teaching even harder. I thank You that I never left the shadow of Your wings and that You have seen me, valued me and noticed me as I have sought to lead and serve my family in this way. Lord, we are nearing the end of this season and oftentimes feel the increasing need for rest, for reprieve and refueling. Some days Lord, it feels like summer will never come. And yet some days time flies and I become aware again of the limited time I have with these dear ones whom I am not only tasked with teaching, but also with parenting and loving. Father, it is my desire to finish well. That we will not succumb to wishing away the time together, nor give in to half-hearted efforts put forth. Help us to find balance between being present in the here and now and thinking ahead to plans for the summer and next school year May You continue to be the source of my daily strength and joy. Remind me of my calling to teach during this season and equip me each day to face challenges with grace, love, humor and humility. Renew my spirit and uplift me as I seek to lead these children towards You, keeping my mind focused and my heart seeking You above all else. In Jesus' name Amen