Our Daily Bread
Fiona Keller • June 18, 2020
Tears upon tears
Today, I find myself in tears, as my husband came back from grocery shopping for a family of 7. Tears of frustration at myself and the Western world we live in. Tears over the fact that I'm not more grateful for what we did get and do have, even if we have to get creative and did spend way more than was budgeted and tears over the fact that the money that should've come in, didn't come in.
Tears at the fact there was no regular meat in the store (do nuggets count?!), no veggies -fresh, frozen or canned (barring a couple of packs of salad,) no paper products, that getting baby products is hard, no bread products (hello trusty bread machine). Tears over the fact that stressful times bring out the selfishness of the society we live in. (Yes, I know it's brought out the best in some people too.) Tears over the greed. Tears over the fact that the grocery bill was more than it should've been because my husband tried his best to find alternative options to just about everything on my list (here's to convincing my kids to eat the vegan veggie burgers.)
Tears over the tears. Over the fact that I'm bothered by this. Over that I'm not teaching my kids to be more grateful as I sit wiping down the grocery packing -because does it really make a difference? I don't know. Tears wondering whether I'll be able to get diapers next week. Tears as I yell at the kids to stop using up the toilet paper because I can't get more. Tears as I tell the kids not to complain about what's put in front of them to eat because this is what we've got.
Today I lament.
Grief for the challenges, the changes, the inner frustrations, my own weakness, the mess we’re in, the fear, the suffering, the brokenness, the lost and hurting, the lack of answers.
This season I am learning again the meaning of living in the moment, strength for today and hope for tomorrow. The lyrics of an old hymn that shore me up and remind me of the many souls gone before who needed that same bolstering. It is a lesson not so easily learned. The heart and head don’t always agree. Sometimes I can feel the panic start to set in. We’ve faced uncertainties before and I know my God. I know He has never failed us. But sometimes the fear is just lurking in the corner waiting for an opportune moment to raise its ugly head. Sometimes that fragile thing I call faith starts to falter. The words that seemed so sure and easy to say are much harder to live out.
Great is your faithfulness oh God, even when there’s no job? Great is your faithfulness oh God, even when we’re wondering how to pay the bills? Great is your faithfulness oh God, even when we’re sent for testing? Great is your faithfulness, oh God, even when our loved ones are in isolation? Even when our freedom is restricted? Even when ‘normal’ doesn’t exist anymore? Great is your faithfulness, Oh God, even when our comfort is removed? Even when answers don’t come? Even when answers aren’t what we thought they should be? Even when suddenly the future seems unfamiliar and unknown? Trusting is so hard, isn’t it? Or is it just me? Even when we’ve experienced God’s faithfulness before and we think, with confidence, that our faith can weather another storm, when the wind comes howling across the sea, we turn, shield our face and shudder. Perhaps I’m not as solid as I thought I was. But this is it, isn’t it? It’s not really about us. It’s not really about my faith being strong enough. It’s about the faith-giver being strong enough. And at some point, I have to decide whether He is or He isn’t.
So, as I breathe I am reminded to continue trusting for our daily bread. One day at a time. That things really aren't that bad. That at the moment we still have. We still have food, we still have money, we still have a home, we still have each other, we still have God.
I wipe the tears and think, we'll find a way to laugh through this and maybe create crazy new recipes. We'll remember being resourceful at toilet time. We'll commit our finances to the Lord and know we'll be just fine and I'm reminded to pray for the places where people have nothing and this western girl is only getting a glimpse, from a distance, of the hardships that they face.
Father, I thank You for these man-made shells, which become our homes as they fill with noise and laughter, silence and tears, memories and hopes. I thank You for their protection, for the safety found within. I thank You for the life that grows surrounded by these walls; a place we make our own. Amen
When complaints often come easier than thanksgiving - I thank you Father for these dishes, which signify food and drink aplenty. I thank You for each mouth that partook of meals together. Amen
Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance. Jude 1:2 Most gracious and loving Heavenly Father, I thank You for You have sustained me through this school year. I thank You for Your provision of strength and energy even on the hardest of days. I thank You for walking with me on the mountain tops: the moments of joy, the times of bonding and fellowship, the times when the learning and the teaching came easily. I thank You for journeying with me through the valleys. On the days I wanted to give up. During times of frustration and grumblings. On the days when learning was hard and teaching even harder. I thank You that I never left the shadow of Your wings and that You have seen me, valued me and noticed me as I have sought to lead and serve my family in this way. Lord, we are nearing the end of this season and oftentimes feel the increasing need for rest, for reprieve and refueling. Some days Lord, it feels like summer will never come. And yet some days time flies and I become aware again of the limited time I have with these dear ones whom I am not only tasked with teaching, but also with parenting and loving. Father, it is my desire to finish well. That we will not succumb to wishing away the time together, nor give in to half-hearted efforts put forth. Help us to find balance between being present in the here and now and thinking ahead to plans for the summer and next school year May You continue to be the source of my daily strength and joy. Remind me of my calling to teach during this season and equip me each day to face challenges with grace, love, humor and humility. Renew my spirit and uplift me as I seek to lead these children towards You, keeping my mind focused and my heart seeking You above all else. In Jesus' name Amen